Useless, worthless

It's hard to deal with unemployment. The funny thing is I opted to quit my job. I wanted to spend more time with my hubby and open up my own business. I felt like the stress is killing me slowly and we are hoping that in doing so, we would finally have a baby.

But I miss earning money and being productive. I'm actually having nightmares about my previous jobs and I wake up thinking if I did the right thing. I have to think of a new business venture. When I was still working I had tons of business ideas. Now that I'm unemployed I still can't think of the right business venture for me. I mean I did, but we don't have enough money for the franchise and I don't want to risk the little savings we have left. So I must think of a business venture that doesn't include franchising and as much as possible includes a small capital.

What about going back to work? I thought of this, a thousand times over and the answer is, no. I don’t want to start all over again and I'm too old to land a good job. I can only apply for a call center agent job and as much as I wanted to, I'm not fit for that kind of environment.

So what must I do? My gut tells me that I should stick with the plan. Have a baby and start my own business. If I'll able to do both, I will be deliriously happy. So I went back to my doctor last week. She was really sympathetic, she suggested IUI and though I'm having second thoughts maybe I'll give it a try. The cost is quite high and I feel for my husband but I was desperate. I was given a higher dose of Clomiphene, 3x/day for 5 days cd3-7. Premarin 3x/day from cd7-28 and Duphaston 1x/day from cd 13-28. I'll have my Tvs on cd12 which I think is way too early. I usually have my tvs done by cd13. If ever both ovaries are ovulating then that's the time that I think I'll have my Pregnyl shot and proceed with IUI next Saturday, cd 15. I'm quite apprehensive, I think the procedure is way too early. From what I researched, washed sperms only survive for 24 hours and IUI should be done 6 hours prior to ovulation to get a higher success rate. I'm also asking for a sign if we should proceed, ovulating on both ovaries with more than 1 follicle is what we are aiming for.

I'm also sick with the flu. I don't know where I caught the bug but I'm trying to rest and take plenty of liquids and Vitamin C so I don't have to go the doctor. If I don't feel better by next week then we have no choice but to postpone the procedure.

I wish I can get out of this misery. I am plagued with worry and doubts.